We came, we saw, we conquered.

No, that’s not right. We came, they all came. One lady came 49 times! But I’m getting ahead of myself.

What follows is my travelogue of the days leading up to the first London Masturbate-a-Thon: Robert’s and my Tour de ‘Thon. Consider it the behind-the-scenes dish to accompany the forthcoming documentary which will air on UK Channel 4’s Wank Week.

And to think that the point of the whole thing (well, one of a number of points) was to compare how edgy we are in wank-friendly San Francisco with the shock of the Brits and their stiff upper lips. Hey, *they* have a Wank Week on TV, and we don’t! Who’s ahead of the game? And as you noted if you saw my Saturday (5. August) entry briefly noting the Masturbate-a-Thon’s success, more than upper lips got stiff.

Just back from the London Masturbate-a-Thon, which got more big PR than any masturbation event we’ve ever done in the States, we are happy to announce several new winners!

The Longest Time Spent Masturbating record for men was set this year at 8.5 hours in San Francisco; for women the SF record was set in 2004 at 6.5 hours. Our Londoner contenders didn’t beat those records, though they did very well. But Ruth, a long-haired lass from Coventry whose husband had been a real pal and dropped her off so she could compete, set a world Masturbate-a-Thon record at 49 orgasms! And to think we were about to give the trophy to a woman who’d come six times!

Photo by John Moulton

There was an area in the studio for people who wished to jack or jill off on-camera, on their own steam or with a toy — perhaps even a fucking machine! Several fuck-machine folks were on hand; the lovely duo from monkeyrocker.com even donated a machine to the cause. And also in this studio area were chairs for me, Your Host, and porn stars Nina Hartley and Michael Soldier, Your Celebrity MCs — though I noticed that midway through the event Michael had gone AWOL and was later found out on the floor, masturbating with a bunch of guys. Nina, too, went missing for a bit, and I was delighted to discover her walking aroud the room being followed by a gaggle of masturbating men. I swear, they looked like duckings. Well, ducklings with hard-ons (I don’t think Konrad Lorentz ever had to deal with that).