“Love, you’re humping my forehead”.
“Yes, I am. Sometimes that needs to happen.”
I was picking up my socks, bending over in a way that placed my head directly in front of her crotch. Apparently head-humping needed to happen. The day moved on…
On my coffee table right now are four porns I’m to review for […]

I think I pulled a crotch muscle at work the other day. Yes, a crotch muscle, and yes, at work. I have no idea how I did it, but the damn thing hurts, and all I can do is stare at all the massagers in the store and know I’m not allowed to use them on the pain.

Zoofur sells dildos shaped like animal penises. They don’t use real animals to make the molds, but instead work off pictures of creatures and their cocks. I feel like they should have a banner on the bottom of the website that says “No animals were masturbated in the making of this site.”

What if all the sex-positive people just left? What if we all picked up and moved to a pretty green spot somewhere, a la Atlas Shrugged? What if, what if instead of being a selfish bitch lookin’ for money, Dagny was a sweet girl on a mission to have great sex? And John Galt was really a Carol Queen, reigning over the sex workers and educators, cool aunts and gay best friends, who were all sick and tired of being abused by a hypocritical government that said “No sex other than married sex!” and then fucked a few guys up the ass on their lunchbreak? What then?

As I get cozy to write this, a commercial for Winnie the Pooh something-or-another asks “Remember your first honey pot?”. I do, as a matter of fact. Don’t you?
I was on vacation for the last week or so, driving up the eastern coast of the United States with my lovely girlfriend and our […]