Maybe it’s my conservative upbringing, but it never occurred to me until Monicagate that giving head might not count as having sex. I probably would have had a lot more fun in high school had I been aware of that distinction.

This lack of clarity isn’t only about faithfulness, either. I’ve known a number of women who consider almost any sexual activity with a woman to really be sex, but if it’s anything but intercourse with a penis-bearing person it’s not - and I hear there are men who don’t consider sex with men to be real sex. If you don’t have the bright clear line of “anything below the neck is off-limits” it can be really tricky to figure out. What are the lines that define “having sex”, as opposed to making out? Imagine a baseball game where a player could score a point by getting to third base if he was left-handed, or if he slid into home only to find out that it didn’t count because he was drunk. Contrary to what your local abstinence educator (or sex maniac) might tell you, our idea of what constitutes a home run is situational.

If you’re a dyke and a woman is going down on you, is that sex? What if it’s a man? What if she’s using a vibrator on you? What if it’s a strap-on? What if it’s a straight woman? Is that sex or making out?

If you’re a man having vaginal intercourse with a woman who is your wife, that’s probably going to be sex - but what if you’re getting head from a young man in the park? I bet your wife is going to call that sex. What if you repent on television later?

Is it sex if you don’t know the person’s name? If it happens in a car? If it can’t result in pregnancy? If you don’t spend the night?

And then there are lots of other activities people engage in for the purpose of getting off. What if you’re getting flogged fully clothed? Watching someone else have sex - “I didn’t touch!”, you claim. Dressing up as Sailor Moon?

Sorry, I have no answers for you, but I really like this question. In that spirit, I direct you to the Kinsey Institute’s “Had-Sex” Survey. Perhaps the power of statistics can sort this all out for us! I doubt it - but that’s just as well. Life’s more fun with gray areas.

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