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I was at the gym the other day and took a look at the rack of magazines that people bring to share with other members. Along with the usual fitness and outdoors magazines, there’s always a selection of supermarket check-out line reading. Vogue, Cosmo, Glamour, you know. And I’m frequently struck by how many of the headlines on the covers are about having the BEST SEX EVER!!!!!
It got me thinking about Voltaire’s line “the ‘best’ is the enemy of the ‘good’. Strictly speaking, the original French line is better translated as “the ‘perfect’ is the enemy of the ‘good’, but either way works. The point is that when we’re always striving for perfection, we miss out on the amazing experiences and opportunities that come our way because they’re not the best. And when it comes to sex, I think that’s a problem.
It’s a problem for at least two reasons. First, when we’re always trying to make things the best, we’re not really enjoying the moment right in front of us. OK, so a particular experience may not be as hot as that night in Vegas, or that amazing date with that guy in college, or your honeymoon with your wife. But when you give your attention to the comparison, you’re not letting yourself experience the sex you’re having. And that tends to turn good sex into mediocre sex. There’s nothing like comparisons to suck all the fun out of sex.
Second, what makes sex work for each of us is always changing. The “best” sex that I had when I was 20 is totally different from the “best” sex that I have now. And while that can sometimes be frustrating, I try to see it as endless opportunities. I would get really bored if I was always having the same sex over and over. Joseph Kramer, founder of the New School of Erotic Touch, points out that we don’t eat the same foods at 15 and 50, so why should we be trying to have the same sex? And frankly, given the crap I ate when I was younger (not to mention some of the sex I was having), I’m glad that my tastes and skills have evolved over time.
When we judge our current sex by the sex we had in the past, we’re often using an out-of-date measurement. That means that we’re not staying in the present, and that pretty much guarantees that we’re missing out on the joys and pleasures in front of us. So again, striving for the best sex can paradoxically make the sex you’re having worse.
I think it’s much more useful to aim for “good” sex. That doesn’t mean settling for less than what you want. In fact, for me, “good” means getting what I want. It means getting and giving attention. It means exploring fantasies. It means trying new things out. It even means trying things out that I thought I didn’t like, just because my tastes have changed. When I was younger, I disliked whiskey and thought it tasted like cleaning spray. These days, I think that a single malt over ice is delicious. I would have missed out on that if I had refused to let go of my old ideas about what was good. So having good sex means giving things another try every so often.
“Good” also means cultivating the ability to tolerate the distractions that show up. Physical discomfort, having the kids interrupting, running out of lube, whatever. Letting “good” be the goal leaves room for those sorts of things without feeling like a failure when they happen.
Naturally, the “best” sex will still happen sometimes. And you may find that it happens more often when you let go of trying to make it happen. Baker Roshi, founder of the San Francisco Zen Center said that “Enlightenment is an accident. Meditation makes you accident prone.” I think that in many ways, great sex is an accident, and that it happens more easily when you practice. And of course, not only is the practicing fun, but it makes “good” sex better and better. (Photo used with the kind permission of www.alexgrey.com)
So my recommendation is this- stop trying for the best sex and see what happens when you aim for good sex. You may find that you have much more fun along the way. You may even discover some new pleasures or rediscover some old ones that you forgot about. And I’ll bet that not only will your “good sex” get better, but that you’ll also have more of the best sex that you can.
