Good Vibrations Magazine

People often ask me what I mean when I say “sex-positive” and it’s not an easy thing to answer. So let me step back a bit…

Sex-negativity is the belief that sex is inherently bad, or dangerous, or sinful, or wrong. This is an old idea which you can trace back through the centuries. But if you think that it doesn’t still affect us today, remember that until a few decades ago, it was rare to find someone who would publicly state that it’s OK to have sex for any purpose other than reproduction.

There are still lots of people who believe that sex needs to be redeemed, that without reproduction or love or marriage, sex is wrong. While I have no problem with them adding the words “for me” to the beginning of their claims (i.e. “For me, sex outside of marriage is…”), many of them seem to want me to have the same beliefs, or at least they want to limit my actions to match their standards.

Of course, the line that marks “acceptable” sexuality has shifted, but we still draw the line in ways that exclude activities that lots of people do without harm to themselves or others. Debates around oral sex, same-sex contact, multiple partners, BDSM, sex toys, erotic media and many other topics have come and gone and it seems like we keep having these conversations, forgetting that they’ve happened before.

We also forget that sexual diversity exists. Some people like sex act X and others find it boring, repulsive, silly or unappealing. For anything and everything that you like, someone else detests it. And that’s OK, unless the two of you are trying to have sex together, in which case, it can be an issue.

On the other hand, it’s also important to acknowledge that sometimes, people cause harm to themselves or others through sex. Sexual intrusion, unwanted sexual contact and sexual assault are real and sometimes, people who identify as sex-positive seem to forget or ignore that. Sex is also risky- emotional and physical harm can occur, even if nobody intends for it to happen and even if we try our best to minimize the chances.

So while sex-negativity is the idea that sex is intrinsically bad unless something redeems it (like reproduction or love or marriage), I believe that sex-positivity is not the idea that sex is inherently good. I believe that the value of sex depends on the people involved, what they want to get out of it, whether they’re able to achieve that, and whether they are causing harm to themselves or others. That requires the ability to ask challenging questions while setting aside personal judgments.

For me, sex-positivity is all about walking that line. It’s about honoring diversity, recognizing my personal views about what other people do, and asking questions rather than jumping to conclusions. It’s about recognizing that as long as everybody involved or affected is able to give informed consent and does so, I have no right to limit what anyone does. And it’s about celebrating someone else’s joy, even if what brings them pleasure and happiness isn’t something I want to do.

If you want a more official sounding version of this, I invite you to read Bill of Sexual Rights from the World Association of Sexology:

Sexuality is an integral part of the personality of every human being. Its full development depends upon the satisfaction of basic human needs such as the desire for contact, intimacy, emotional expression, pleasure, tenderness and love.

Sexuality is constructed through the interaction between the individual and social structures. Full development of sexuality is essential for individual, interpersonal, and societal well being.

Sexual rights are universal human rights based on the inherent freedom, dignity, and equality of all human beings. Since health is a fundamental human right, so must sexual health be a basic human right.

In order to assure that human beings and societies develop healthy sexuality, the following sexual rights must be recognized, promoted, respected, and defended by all societies through all means. Sexual health is the result of an environment that recognizes, respects and exercises these sexual rights.

1. The right to sexual freedom. Sexual freedom encompasses the possibility for individuals to express their full sexual potential. However, this excludes all forms of sexual coercion, exploitation and abuse at any time and situations in life.

2. The right to sexual autonomy, sexual integrity, and safety of the sexual body. This right involves the ability to make autonomous decisions about one’s sexual life within a context of one’s own personal and social ethics. It also encompasses control and enjoyment of our own bodies free from torture, mutilation and violence of any sort.

3. The right to sexual privacy. This involves the right for individual decisions and behaviors about intimacy as long as they do not intrude on the sexual rights of others.

4. The right to sexual equity. This refers to freedom from all forms of discrimination regardless of sex, gender, sexual orientation, age, race, social class, religion, or physical and emotional disability.

5. The right to sexual pleasure. Sexual pleasure, including autoeroticism, is a source of physical, psychological, intellectual and spiritual well being.

6. The right to emotional sexual expression. Sexual expression is more than erotic pleasure or sexual acts. Individuals have a right to express their sexuality through communication, touch, emotional expression and love.

7. The right to sexually associate freely. This means the possibility to marry or not, to divorce, and to establish other types of responsible sexual associations.

8. The right to make free and responsible reproductive choices. This encompasses the right to decide whether or not to have children, the number and spacing of children, and the right to full access to the means of fertility regulation.

9. The right to sexual information based upon scientific inquiry. This right implies that sexual information should be generated through the process of unencumbered and yet scientifically ethical inquiry, and disseminated in appropriate ways at all societal levels.

10. The right to comprehensive sexuality education. This is a lifelong process from birth throughout the life cycle and should involve all social institutions.

11. The right to sexual health care. Sexual health care should be available for prevention and treatment of all sexual concerns, problems and disorders.

Sexual Rights are Fundamental and Universal Human Rights

Adopted in Hong Kong at the 14th World Congress of Sexology, August 26, 1999