Category: 
“Oh, it’s just a joke.
we want to embarrass her.”
Sex joke gifts are dumb.
Okay, so it’s not the prettiest of haikus, and might be a bit judgemental, but it is #2 on the list of Sustainable Sex ideas. In an un-haiku-ed form, the lesson sounds like this:
Don’t buy gifts that you know are going to be thrown away. Gag gifts in general are great for a laugh, but as soon as the laugh is over, the product goes in the trash. This is wasteful, no matter how big and loud the laugh. Sex gag gifts in particular are wasteful in that they a) still get tossed as soon as the joke is over, but also b) waste the opportunity to give a real erotic gift, as well as c) reinforce the notion that any sex but toy-free-straight-sex is immature and laughable, which eventually d) increases the shame many people feel around their sexuality.
“But Jameson! It’s just a joke! Don’t take this shit so seriously!”
No can do, folks. Taking this shit seriously is my job.
When a bachelorette party-goer comes to the store, looking for penis hats and penis water guns and “big dildos!! Ahahahah!!!” I have to check my frustration, turn it around, and try to redirect the attention to gifts that could actually be used. Crazy concept, I know. “So you want to buy your friend a big dildo to embarass her at dinner. We do have some big dildos. But how about getting her a vibrator instead? The Purple Plunge looks like a penis–a purple glittery one even–but after the party is over, maybe she’ll take it home and use it in the shower. Which, granted, she could do with the big dildo, but the chances of her using the vibrator might be a little higher.” More often than not, these women go home with a vibrator for their friend and a massage candle for themselves. Why waste time and money in the sex store if you’re not going to buy something to use in sex? I don’t get it.
I do get, however, that some people are uncomfortable buying sex toys for friends and family, and that, somehow, buying a joke sex toy is more socially acceptable. I get that part. But that doesn’t make it less wasteful. Buy your friend or family member a gift card instead. I did this recently, and glued pictures of dildos on the envelope, in the shape of an exploding flower. The gift was cute and appreciated, and I didn’t have to guess what kind of sex toy my friend really wanted. Win-Win.
Other gift ideas that won’t get tossed as soon as they are opened:
Screaming O ring- a tricky one, because it’s disposable (which is so uncool in the “green” world). But! I will say that this little thing is a great way to find out if vibrating cock rings are for you (or your friend). And it’s small enough that when it is thrown away it takes up a lot less space than a “Big Dildo! ahahhahah!!”
Massage Candle- they’re made out of soy wax, so they don’t burn as hot as regular candles. When you drip the wax onto skin it turns into massage oil. Sexy, sophisticated, and oh so romantic.
Pirates -the most gift-able porn ever made. And it’s hot.
Peppermint Peckers -which come in an adorable reusable tin.
Pink Lube -oh so pretty and oh so slippery.
Glow Dirty Dice- perfect for the shy friend. These little dice direct the action and glow in the dark. (and they’re only $7.00).
I’m so green I had sex while watching “An Inconvenient Truth”,
jameson.
