Category: 
And you may ask yourself, “Can I still pee in the pool if I buy a white bathing suit?”
And you may ask yourself, “How are lesbians in Guernville different from those in San Francisco?”
And you may ask yourself, “Will I ever see Nelly Furtado at a Russian River Women’s Weekend?”
And you might not ask yourself any of these questions, but I did, minus that last one (although I would ask myself if she’ll ever show up at an LA-ish lesbian holiday, like Dinah Shore or something).
Bathing suit shopping started high and grand, with an ideal retro shape in mind. I gazed longingly at a white two-piece at Macy’s, which brought me to the pee question, but alas, my quest ended at Target, more out of frustration and boredom than success.
Russian River Women’s Weekend. Guernville Lesbians. What to say. The weekend came before bathing suit shopping, so I couldn’t wear the black harter top one piece I now own, so instead I decided to be funny and wear a t-shirt that said “I like your boyfriend (and he likes me).” Get it? Womyn’s Weekend, boyfriend shirt, funny. Yeah, not so much. That fell on the crowd like a gas bomb. Faces crinkled, eyes squinted, wymyn stared. “Do you realize it’s Women’s Weekend?” they asked, to my face and to my back.
So I changed into a slutty strapless shirt and tried to sell the ladies some dildos.
Overall, the day was an interesting one. The attendees were nice (most of them. One pleasant party-goer told us to “fuck off”), and the weather was perfect. The staff of both the Russian River Resort and Women’s Weekend were super helpful and didn’t yell at us when we tried to pick the lock on the massage cabana curtains (this sounds a lot more scandalous than it was, trust me). We sold a few dvds, some dildos, and many many sets of chocolate body pens.
There was a wet t-shirt contest during the day and a thong contest at night, and lots of happy lesbians getting sunburned and dancing. All in all, a good weekend.
This last Saturday was Mango at El Rio (a dangerously sexy dyke dance party) and the line was about two hours long. No wet t-shirts, no thongs, just good music and attractive ladies. I was happy (but then again, my gf is bff with the door person, so I glanced at the line and then jumped to the front).
Major difference between Guernville lesbos and San Francisco lesbos? Besides appearance (which makes sense, given there’s neither H&M nor Forever 21 in the sticks), urban dykes are like urbanites anywhere, and the woodswomen were like rural folks everywhere. If you’re from the Bay Area, think White Horse vs. Lexington. If you’re not from this liberal heaven, think Women’s Day Magazine vs Vogue. Or something like that. (and yes, I have read me some Women’s Day. Got a problem with that?)
And I asked myself, was I really so drunk that I told my girlfriend I’d punch her in the face if she tried to have sex with me?” Yes, I was that drunk, and no, I would never punch my girlfriend in the face. But spinny sex is not good, very very not good.
And so the tip of the day? Don’t expect the same levels of queerness from different groups of lesbians, and don’t buy white bathing suits because even if you can pee in the pool safely, chlorine eats away at the material and so you’ll eventually be a nipple flasher and coochie bare-er.
Oh, and this actress is gay, too. Like you didn’t already know.
See you at Women’s Weekend next year,
jameson.
