now i lay me down.
By jameson • May 8th, 2007 • Category: BlogOur new bed came on Sunday. I plan to come on our new bed today. (and by the way, did you know that “come” is the correct usage in all non-porno avenues of writing, whereas “cum” is the vulgar slang spelling? A writing teacher looked it up for me after I submitted an article with “cum” in it. But back to the new bed…)
Ladyfriend and I had been considering a new bed for a while now (probably about six months, or one third of our relationship, however you choose to look at it). We decided on a big ol’ queen size from sleep train. I have to hop up to get on it. Poor dogfriend has to run full speed and hurl his little body with all his might. But we love it, we do. Walking out of the mattress-store, my girlfriend said, “You realize you have to marry me now, right? We just bought a bed.” Yes yes yes, and I do, and I will. Beds are huge, folks.
The point of this story (as if you’ve come to expect one):
What a sexpot* considers when buying a new bed:
-Style of headboard
Can you grab it? Can you hold it? Can you attach a naked human to it? And if so, if that naked human writhes too much in pleasure, will their pulling on the ropes/cuffs/tethers break the headboard?
-Construction
Will a run-and-tackle be sustained on this new bed, or will it collapse? Will the headboard stay connected to the siderails with vigorous back-and-forth? Does the whole shaky thing sway with your play? Do you want to knock the walls with each thrust?
-Cleanliness
(no, I’m not talking about “will plastic sheets fit on it”) Do you have allergies? Are you planning on getting a dust mite cover thing? Why, you ask? Because being sneezy and snotty isn’t always sexy, and giving head with liquid falling out of your nose is even less sexy. Take control of your allergies, take control of your sex appeal. (Did you know that your mattress will double its weight in ten years because of all the living and dead dust mites in it?! Gross.)
-Bouncability
We considered one of those tempurPedic beds. For a second. What stopped our sleeptrain mid-ride was the stylish salesman explaining how that nasa-approved material isn’t really conducive to fucking. A bed that absorbs vibration is great if you’re jumping on one side and a wine glass is standing on the other. Not so great if you’re lying on the hitachi with your parter humping you from behind. Sinking down, you will be sad.
I’m sure there’s more, but I’ll save that for later.
happy humping,
jameson.
(*not that I consider myself a sexpot. I was, however, called one in a recent myspace message, and therefore feel free to use it here.)
jameson is a very wholesome looking pervert who is a sex cheerleader by day, super sex cheerleader by night. she majored in women's studies but hates assumed gender differences, loves porn, and was never taught how to think her words are worthless, so obviously she likes to write (and talk and talk and talk, fast).
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Huh, I wish our salesman had told us that the Tempur-pedic wasn’t conducive to sex. It hasn’t been all that bad, in some ways I’ve actually liked it because my husband has to get more involved when I’m on top since the bed doesn’t bounce to help me out. The allergy thing was a big selling point for us on it, too. Well, I hope you are enjoying your new bed as much as I am enjoying mine!
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yes, totally important, all of this. i once went bed shopping with a fellow gay non-date and we had to gay hump-test every single bed-candidate for waking the roomates up-ness and general sturdiness, but you really put it all down for us.