Finding time for sex

Last month a reader asked how she and her partner could find more time for sex. I’ve been meaning to write a response to it for quite a while now and I find that every time I sit down to write it, I get side tracked! What is it about making time is so difficult. Even making time to talk about making time can be a chore!

I’m going to tackle the topic in a few posts. This first one is about what to do when you feel like you used to have sex more but simply can’t get around to it right now.

If you listen to the media, a good woman wears makeup, takes care of her kids, has a full time job, cleans and cooks for her family, wears high fashion and sucks cock like a pro every night. Just writing that list is tiring; forget about living up to that impossible standard.

After going through a period of sexual empowerment, often people believe that the sign of a healthy sex life is cumming with their partner on a regular basis. If we come home after work and just want to crawl in bed, it’s easy to start wondering what’s wrong with our relationships. The answer is, NOTHING is wrong with your relationship! You’re tired! That’s ok!

Many people go through periods of time where they’re less interested in sex, have less time for sex or simply don’t think about sex at all. For those who consider sex an important part of their lives, it can be hard to come to terms with this.

I remember a few years ago I was super busy running a charity production of the vagina monologues and teaching sex workshops. My life revolved around sex and vaginas but still, I had no interest in having sex. By the end of the night, I found that my body was exhausted. So many hours of my day were spent talking about sex that by the end of the night it was the furthest thing from my mind. For months, my life was virtually sexless while I went out each day and lobbied for others to have regular, awesome orgasms.

During another period of my life, I found that I did want sex…often in fact. But I was running around 12 hours a day 6 days a week and my body simply didn’t have the stamina left to interact sexually with my partner. I remember laying next to him and thinking “It would be really great to just pick up my vibrator and cum without any effort at all, but that would insult him.” For a few minutes I kept ruminating on what I should do and eventually I shared it with him. The reality was that I really wanted to be with him sexually, but just didn’t feel physically up to it. He laughed, rolled over, put his arms around me and held me as I played with my Hitachi Magic Wand. I can’t think of another time that I felt closer to him.

A few days after the vibrator incident, I frankly asked him “we never have sex anymore, are we ok?” to him. I wanted to know if he was missing sex like I was. We talked about exhaustion, his kids, my work, and the various pressures that we were under at work. When we were together, all that we wanted to do was lay in each others arms and nap. It wasn’t that we didn’t enjoy sex, we just simply were exhausted! The next weekend we each took Friday off and spent almost 3 days in bed together. The first day we slept, the second and third days we fucked like crazy.

The point to all of this rambling is that sometimes life does get in the way of sex. If you’re experiencing this problem there are a few things to look at.

1) Is this a lifestyle issue or are you simply having a busy week?

If this week you both have double your regular commitments, it’s ok to take a break from sex. There’s nothing wrong with that.

If it’s a lifestyle issue, you might have to learn to prioritize sex. Yes, I know, having sex written in your planner isn’t the most exciting way to do it, but if you’re strapped for time or have children, sometimes it’s a necessity. I’ll post on creative ways to schedule sex in another post.

2) Do you both have the same idea of how much sex is acceptable?

Partners often have different sex drives! Its common for one partner to think that sex is a once a week thing while the other craves it several times a day.

If this is your issue, it’s time to sit down and negotiate what’s reasonable for the two of you. Realistically both of you are most likely going to need to compromise!

3) Is one of you just going through a low sex drive period?

Depression, medications, stress and just simple periods of low desire happen!

If you’ve recently shifted medications or have been experiencing depression, visit your doctor and talk to them about it. It may be a physiological issue. If not, it could be just one of those low sex times of your life. We all go through it. Sometimes expressing your needs can be helpful in these cases. “Honey, I love it when you make love to me, but my body just can’t do it right now”. Make sure that your partner hears that it isn’t because you don’t find them sexually appealing. These cases usually also require compromise. Believe it or not, you can engage in sexual behaviors without being turned on. It’s ok to perform oral sex on your partner because you love them and want to see them satisfied without wanting to get it in return. Sometimes, you’ll find that you end up turned on during the process, other times not. Either way is ok!

4) How close are you feeling in other aspects of your relationship?

If you are feeling an emotional disconnect in your relationship, your sex life may be reflecting that. Having sex more often might make you feel more connected, but if your relationship needs work in other areas then trying to use sex to prove your love is often a mistake. Don’t confuse sex for love or intimacy. You can have love and intimacy without sex just as you can have sex without love or intimacy.

Please keep in mind that these examples don’t even begin to scratch the surface of why people have sex less. I’ll tackle scheduling sex in my next post!

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