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Dear GVSexTips,
I’ve been with D (save the name) for two years. He works two jobs and goes to school full time. His schedule goes as follows: Monday he works 3am-12pm and then school from 12-3. Wednesdays are the same. Tues, Thursday, Sat and Sun he works 10-7 and friday he has school from 12-3, no work. I have school and work as well, but I don’t work nearly as much as he does. Now the problem is is the lack of sex it seems we have. We’ve always had this problem. In the beginning it wasn’t a problem. It was good, it was frequent and he always seemed to want it. Then it started to become an issue when I felt like we only had it when he wanted it and every time I did it was an inconvience to his time. But, now it seems like he doesn’t even want it. We’ve talked about this before and we both agreed that it was getting boring, but he also said that I don’t understand how tired he is sometimes and that its not to say that he doesn’t find me attractive or that he doesn’t want it.
I tried to address the first problem and we did the whole going to GoodV and buying books (which hasn’t even been looked at by him). I dress up and I take care of myself and yes, when I do dress up we do have good sex, but I can’t dress up every single time. We have sex now probably once a week maybe twice, but unless I go over the top and do the whole nine yards, sex seems like an obligation on his part. I feel unattractive because the up keep and the not so obvious things I do do every time I see him to look sexy is going unnoticed or rather unresponded. I’ve never said No to him when he wants it and have told him that I don’t want to be one of those girls that deprive him of it. I understand/believe that it is a need and that since we’re in a committed relationship that who else is he suppose to get his needs satisfied except by me and vice versa. But now I’m starting to feel on top of the whole unattractiveness part, that he is taking it for granted. I know he’s not cheating on me because when he’s not at school or work he’s with me, but waking up bitter because I know we’re not going to have sex ruins the love I have for him because all I want to do is feel him on top of me and wanting him to want me the way I do him.
I know this is a mouth full and I don’t even know if I explained myself well, but writing this makes me so frustrated and sad. I was thinking about just saying No the next time he wants it and to stop keeping myself up for him until I feel that he understands and appreciates where I’m coming from, but I don’t know if thats that best route. Please help. is this normal? am I freakingout over nothing?
sincerely,
sexually frustrated
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This entry was posted on Tuesday, March 6th, 2007 at 5:04 pm and is filed under Miscellaneous. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.
I’ve been having the same problem with this. My mister is always tired and we only have sex about once a week.
It is frustrating when you both have schedules that don’t match and it isn’t a priority on both you parts at the same time. Initially we tried to talk about it, but it seems that every time we talk about it we unintentionally bruise each others egos.
I don’t know how to go about with fixing it, since it is a problem, and not have it turn into a fight. I also feel like I want to be available for him when he wants to have sex, but I’m worried that my availability is giving him too much heresay over when we have sex.
Ladies,
If I may hit this from a male point of view?Yes, you are probably right that he is taking this for granted, but, let me ask a question.How blunt have you been with your man about addressing the issue?Ask me any day, at any time when I am awake *grin*, and I will tell you that the single most important factor in a functioning relationship is communication. If you have been with him for a bit, you may think he understands you, but this is an extremely good time to explicitly express your frustrations, in the politest terms. Tell him, in no uncertain terms, that you don’t appreciate the way he is treating you. Absolutely imperative: do not lose your temper while you do this!I strongly recommend not denying him “in retaliation” without an explanation. It is a mind game, and can easily lead to further relationship complications. If you talk and cannot resolve things, then a refusal makes more sense, as he “should” understand why you are upset with him.
I don’t know many of the details, e.g. your ages, length of relationship, kids, etc., so I’ll say first, don’t get pregnant until this gets resolved.
Second, sex is just too important to let slide. So you must work at getting this resolved — or leave the relationship. That said, if he’s truly exhausted, you may have to tough it out ’til he gets thru school, changes jobs, something. But if this situation seems more permanent, and I get the sense that you think this way, you need to take a stand. Avoid accusations, guilt-finding, etc. Rather take the “us vs. the problem” approach. He may need medical attention — a lot of drugs (incl. alcohol) kill sexual desire or function. If he’s bored you both need to work on keeping the sparks flying — and you will have to work at it for the rest of your lives — unless you want to join the ranks of the sexless drones who trudge thru life, bitter, sad, frustrated. But you’re way too young for that. So be firm, persistent, and resolved, to get him to identify the REAL problem and agree to fix this — or move on.