Best Practice Guidelines for Sex Toy Custody Cases…

It is an all-too common scenario: A sullen customer comes into the store for some retail therapy after a recent break-up…The customer wanders over to the dildo wall, searching for something, not finding it…Or perhaps gingerly handling a certain dildo as though it were some sort of precious gem. When I make my way over to ask if they need help, I know what is coming: “We broke up and she took the dildo,” they say.

I hear this often. These situations can bring up a variety of issues: Feelings of loss, mourning, and even dismemberment. If someone has been in a relationship for a long time, they may not be able to find that vintage Vixen we carried years ago, or perhaps what was once their dream-dildo now carries with it too many associations of days gone by.

The problem of sex-toy custody is not only an issue for recently single folks. It is an ongoing issue for non-cohabitating couples as well. My recent purchase of the Ramp and the Wedge (love them!) has me puzzling over which half of my relationship’s residence should be their home. Either way is I am slightly dissatisfied with my choice. Any couple might not want to cart even smaller sex toys back and forth. Not only does it pose the possibility of loss or damage, but it may not always do a lot for the spontaneity factor.

My job intercepting folks recently split from a date and a favorite sex toy, as well as my own trials deciding where to store and how to transport my own favorites, has allowed me to develop what I would like to put forward as “Best Practice Guidelines for Sex Toy Custody Cases.” While some of these may be somewhat lesbi-centric, I like to think they might lend a helping hand in most cases. I may not have all the answers, ie; three-way couple breaks up and has to decide the fate of their Nexus double-dildo…but most cases could benefit from these simple, sensible guidelines…

First off, some cut and dry examples of when you (or they) should let it go:
1)You bought it as a gift for someone. A gift, dude. Let it go.
2)They really really love it, but you could do without. Now, this does not mean, using this as leverage when you try to figure out who gets the sonic toothbrush or the really comfy sweatshirt you both love. Don’t be a martyr. Just be nice. Yield the toy.
3)They identify with the toy as some part of their body or their gender. I once got a frantic call from a friend on the east coast panicking because his recently estranged girlfriend stole his dick. Don’t do it, man. Totally low.

And for those more nebulous situations, ie; you bought it together and used it together:
1)Buy new toys! Sometimes this may be part of moving on. Sure, it’s an investment, but lots of people pay money for good sex. Besides, if you haven’t been shopping in a while, you may not yet know that there have been some exciting new developments in the world of sex-toy technology.
2) If any of your toys are porous or are not able to be washed satisfactorily let them go. If you don’t, do not consider using the aforementioned toys with a new person.
3)Buy them out. If you bought it together and you really want the toy, feel you would use it more, or can’t find a good replacement on the market you can offer to buy out their portion. Fair and easy.
4) Finally, my take on a long-standing dilemma: This is where things become controversial. It seems one of the most widely accepted ideas about sex-toy custody, especially where strap-ons are concerned, is that the dildo, plug, or insertive toy in question should go to the top. This is a tough one. I understand in this phallocentric world we are taught to think of the person with the phallus as the owner of the only real sex organ/toy/object involved in a sex act. Now here is my argument: What about the owner of the orifice that fits it? Surely they are as responsible for the “life” and meaning of the toy as the person wielding it. This also seems like a matter of practicality. Not all vaginas or anuses or mouths or sensibilities are created equally, and if it is not an object that is central to one’s selfhood or body image, holding onto it because the next person you get with might like it seems sleazy and selfish. No one wants to think about their once-favorite cock getting used on their exe’s new date. What I’m trying to get at here, is if someone wants to keep a toy it should be because they themselves like it for any number of reasons, not because it might fill some future “niche” they come across. There you go. That’s my take on it.
5) If it’s a toy you truly bought and used equally, consider the wisdom I offered in options two and and three: the buy-out or the toss-out. Of course there is a third option for 100% silicone: the pass-on. Though if the toy was the object of a fierce custody battle, the person receiving should consider not only sanitizing, but also smudging it. White sage or a small prayer will likely do.

Most of all, recognize that while sexuality is important and we can sometimes imbue our sex toys with an almost holy status, it will not ultimately be in anyone’s best interests to drag out these sorts of arguments. Keep it civil, and come see us for some assistance if things don’t go your way.

-Addy.

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