Because I have to:
The Oscars. I loved Jennifer Hudson, Queen Latifah, and Meryl Streep (who, on the red carpet, after being asked about her 14 nominations, said “And I’m a size 14, so it all matches”). Oh, and the Smith family. I almost died.
Happy gay moment (besides superlesbo herself Ellen Degeneres hosting): Melissa Ethridge winning the best song award and thanking her wife. Not her partner, or girlfriend, or “special friend”. No. She thanked her wife. Upon hearing that I remembered when she performed all bald from chemo and kicked hardcore ass, and I got all teary. But, moving on.

My favorite star of the night is the real reason why I’m writing today. Remember the APA’s report on sexualized girls? Yes. Well, as a happy contrast to five year olds wearing highly inappropriate outfits, I give you Abigail Breslin. Talk about a sweet little kid. Before every awards show she shows off her purse and all the random kid-stuff she has in it. I think one time she had animal crackers. Adorable! And age appropriate! And her dress last night was sweet and fancy and perfect for a ten year old at the Oscars.

Also, last thing about the Oscars, I promise: Helen Mirren. Absolutely gorgeous. Full head of glorious gray hair, a face seemingly free of plastic surgery, and a smile that screams “Genuine!” I like her. And it made me all warm and squishy inside when Jack Black and Will Ferrell made Mirren the love focus of their comedy song. They could have chosen Penelope or Nicole or Reese, but they sang to Helen. Happy.

I know, I know, I’m supposed to give y’all some sex tips, but today I’m out. Well, not out, but I’m working on some questions that were really asked (like, in real life and all), and so, soon.

To keep you entertained until I have words of sexual wisdom, may I suggest Spike TV’s CSI Fetish Week? That should keep you warm and wet until I return.

And if that doesn’t work, I give you this, in honor of a superlesbotronic Oscar show:

.jameson.

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And now, I am at a loss…
speaking with authority
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