Category: 
My homework for the month was to remain present during conversations where I felt personally attacked or found emotionally taxing.
I have found that I am angry. I am tired of being others emotional dumpster or karmic recycling bin. At first I had sympathy and found myself absorbing a lot of others’ frustrations or sadness. Now I find myself internally responding with venomous words, but I know it is sometimes necessary to share negative feeling with someone, especially if you are in a relationship(s) with them and there is a clear and open space for discussion. Being willing to listen is just as important, maybe even more than being able to speak. It’s a dialog not a shouting match.
I am a communicator not a screamer, because the more you scream the less likely people are to listen to you. Growth, progress and learning come from listening. Listening to your own voice as well as the voices of others.
Well this week I am tired of being screamed at. I am tired of protest signs and news reports screaming about how sex is wrong and dangerous, especially when it’s packaged in leather and latex. “Area man reports: ‘It’s nasty!’”
I’d like to scream back: “Well area man, go FUCK YOURSELF because apparently it’s “NASTY” and of course you would not ask anyone else to engage in such a vile behavior.”
Or better yet, why don’t you go take your basic need for human contact and let it manifest itself through physical violence, which is way more socially excepted than sharing an intimate pleasure giving experience with another human, God forbid!
Because on my walk home through the Mission, I see more knife fights, people kicking in each other’s teeth and hear more guns being fired than I see displays of affection. Yes, I rather have your chaotic and misplaced manifestations of the need of physical contact than see you be caring and affectionate.
Here, maybe I can help you on your quest of self-loathing and fear of human contact. Put your face on the ground in front of my feet and I can help you kick in your own teeth. That way I don’t have to listen to your damn screaming anymore.
I am angry.
I was scanning Youtube the other day. There is an enormous genre of street fight videos and backyard brawls. Fight or flight. Human contact. We watch it. Everyone grasping for some sort of physical affirmation in the midst of the fear of the body that reminds us of our own mortality. Mucous, spit, blood, tears, shit; this is what we all are made of; yet we are incredibly repulsed by. But it’s okay to want to destroy it?
Funny, the chaos of self loathing is far more expectable than lets say an educational video on feminists making porn and art. No explicit footage, just words. Apparently the homophobic/misogynistic sensibilities of Youtube were offended? We were censored.
Sometimes people scream to drown out the voices of others, so they do not have to listen.
This week Pink&White Productions was to premier it’s 3rd feature, “In search of the Wild Kingdom” at the Victoria Theater in the Mission District. The Victoria canceled it. The Victoria is one of the venues for FRAMELINE film festival, San Francisco’s LGBT film fest, which frequently showcases features with adult content. Suddenly there is a problem with showing adult content there. The screaming is getting louder.
One of my partners and I were sitting in a car this weekend. There was a discussion which turned into venting with cutting remarks and loaded words. We sat silently for what felt like an hour. Fuming, no longer listening, no more words to share.
“On the count of three, we are going to scream as long and as loud as we can.”
“Okay.”
“One, two, three…”
(…)
God that felt good.
