It feels so good to make one squirt. So refreshing. So…instant gratification.

My name is Jameson, and I am a popper. My girlfriend is, too. Every girlfriend I’ve had, actually, was into popping, picking, squeezing. Most of my friends are poppers, most except for one, who simply refuses to pop. This is her decision, and I understand it, but once, another friend and I peer-pressured her into squeezing an enormous white pimple on her chin, in a bathroom on the campus of the University of Arizona, during a cross-country road trip. A thousand miles left on the road with a volcano in the passenger seat is a really, really long drive.

My girlfriend peer-pressures me sometimes. “Just let me get it!” I let her, most of the time; what is there to lose? I’ll be honest and say that popping pimples can be very satisfying, albeit in a very fucked up and gross and yet quasi-harmless way.

(from www.thebackpew.com, clean christian humor)

But beware! I am writing about popping zits here because this obsession can mess with how and when you get laid! No joke. I even made some rules for you fellow poppers to follow.

(And for those of you who, like my friend, don’t pop or pick: good for you. I’m sure my next blog will be about something dirty and “normal”, like watersports or something, so stay tuned, and let us blackhead-detectors have our moment)Rules for Poppers and their Sexual Relations:

1. Never pick at your face before a date. Never. This may be tempting, and it may seem smart to get “just that one!” before hotstuff so-and-so picks you up, but leave it be! Puffy blackhead free skin screams for attention even more than non-puffy skin with a blackhead that only you can see.

2. Other times you should not pick at yourself:
–in public. Anwhere. At work, in a cubicle, when you think no one can see you: NO. On the train, when you think no one will care because everyone is staring off into space: NO. Walking down the street, casually “scratching” your chin in a manner that other poppers know means you’re really trying to pop in public: NO.
See, here’s the deal. While many many many people pop, few find it sexy. And while it’s totally okay to do many things in public that aren’t sexy (like pull up socks that are slipping or blow your nose), popping is (in my opinion) not one of those things. So save it for the bathroom mirror.

3. When not to pick at your parter:
–When they feel attractive. “Baby, you’re beautiful. I love you.” Hug. Kiss. Run one hand over his neck, the other up his shirt, and feel the pokey skin of a back pimple. LEAVE IT ALONE. Do not run you hand over that little spot and try to “get it” without him noticing. He will. Do not use your sexy voice to ask if you can get it real quick. Nope. Most importantly, do not turn him around and bend him over the sink, pull up his shirt, and use both hands on that fucker. No.
–When the two of you are cuddling/fucking/being romantical in any way. Lots of things suck more than having your sweetie wrap their arms around you and say “OOh! You’ve got a good one on your back! Can I get it?!”, but this still sucks nonetheless, so don’t be that kid, okay? Resist the urge to pick at your partner when you should be (when they think you are) thinking of nothing other than how much you love them.
–When you planned on having sex and are almost too tired and the options are pick or fuck, because there’s only so much energy left in your bones. Either fuck or sleep. Picking will make you sad the next morning.
–When you’re in public. See “when not to pick at yourself” above.

Some of you may think I’m joking, but I’m dead serious here. Picking is totally okay, within the limits thus given. Should you choose to stray from my rules, remember: Popping is temporary, love is forever.

Ha.

I wish I were joking,
.jameson.

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