Bits of amazement and awe currently floating about:

1. Janet Jackson reveals she had good sex even when she was fat
Why this is shocking, you ask? Because it shouldn’t be. This shouldn’t be worthy of news, because it implies that fat people don’t have good sex, and if they do, we have to write about it. Her boyfriend liked fucking her even when she had a stomach!? I don’t believe it! Do we give him a cookie for that? No. Being attracted to your partner warrants no special thanks. Do I think it’s sad that Janet apparently hadn’t been “loved so unconditionally” before? Yes. But I think it’s even more depressing to know that she mirrors the bulk of American women. Demand love already! Demand sex and happiness in all you are right now, fat and thin and dimpled and jiggly and sexy as all fucking hell. Don’t wait for a Jermaine Dupri to come and tell you that your belly needs love too. Being thin does not make you worthy; being human does.

2. We still have Turbo Gliders on sale for $10.
Do you realize that this is our #1 reccomended first vibe?! For $10?! Absolutely shocking.

3. The first penis transplant was a success.
Sadly (but not suprisingly) the penis was removed two weeks later due to the unplanned-for psychological effects on the man and his wife.

4. Gay sex studies are worthy of Christian news.
Homos have lots of sex?! Shocking! Absolutely Shocking! Where are my smelling salts…I feel faint…

5. The Concerned Women for America are pissed off that Wal-Mart is trying to go pro-gay.
As if homos shop there to begin with, Wal-Mart is trying to join the business ranks of “We finally realized that the gays have money, and we want money, so let’s pretend we’re not conservative while they’re in the store, k?” Not quite shocking, but funny that the CWA has their undies in a bunch over it.

6. Eddie Van Halen is makin’ porn music for Michael Ninn.
Some of y’all might not have to hit mute on the music in Ninn’s upcoming flick. Ooh la la.

7. Season Premier of America’s Next Top Model!! Oh the joy. Absolutely Shocking is the ferocity with which Tyra defended “real” models against “entertainers” (strippers). Isn’t there also supposed to be a dyke of the show this season?

and that’s all the shock and awe I can handle for now.
You may now resume your regular breathing pattern.

.jameson.

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