My girlfriend and I recently moved into a dirty apartment in a charming neighborhood. My evenings are now spent painting walls and rolling silicone sealer onto grout lines. Exciting. I know. We’re guessing that since nothing in the apartment has been cleaned or taken care of in about a billion years, the water from the faucet is probably as nasty as everything else.

So. Now I’m one of those people who buy bottles of water from Safeway. Walking through the aisles with said beautiful girlfriend, I notice that the Safeway brand water is hella cheap. I say “let’s get that one” and she says nothing. I don’t understand, and just kinda stare at her for a minute. “Um, water. There. Cheap. Let’s buy it.” (obviously I’m thinking that the fewer syllables I use, the more likely she is to respond). Again she only stares. Then it hits me: My girlfriend is a water snob. She won’t buy generic water. I was horrified. Water is water is water, except, that is, if the water is coming out of my apartment’s faucet. Then the water is more like poison (I’m sure).

See, people, to me, water doesn’t need to be name brand. Safeway or Arrowhead (which we ended up buying, in case you were wondering) are the same damn thing to me. Sex toys, however, are a different story. Brand name does matter.

Silicone is a perfect example. Vixen, Tantus, and Fun Factory all make high quality siliocone products. Their silicone is real silicone, pure silicone. “What else is there?” you wonder. Crap, I tell you.
Other brands of sex toys might write something like “Hygenically Superior Silicone Pink Dong!” on their brightly colored dildos, leading the consumer to believe that the “dong” is safer to use than a jelly rubber one. Ah, how easily we are fooled.

Yes, silicone is so much safer to use than jelly rubber and cyberskin. No, you cannot trust most sex toy companies to honestly report when a toy is made out of pure silicone vs. a mix of silicone and god knows what else. “Jameson! How can they just lie to me like that?!” Well, they just can. There’s no industry standard for what can be called silicone. The big money-makin’ toy makers are smart enough to know that companies like Good Vibrations have eduated the public on what materials are safer than others, and they are all too willing to take advantage of our educational efforts.

What can you do? Shop at Good Vibes. We do tests to make sure those labeled as silicone are actually silicone. If you can’t come into the store or have another favorite sex-toy-shop (how dare you?!), buy name brand. Look for Tantus or Vixen or Fun Factory. These are companies you can count on to be good ol’ safe silicone.

Buying name brand is a new concept for me. I grew up pretty white trash, with store brand everything (except for deodorant and tampons). My face and my wallet cringed as the Safeway register beeped along the Arrowhead water, my brain knowing damn well that water is water. But fellow cheapskates, don’t be fooled! Look for name brand silicone! Your body and sex are worth it!

(and real silicone conducts vibration better than jelly rubber. Hello! yay for vibration-through-the-dildo)
yours in perviness,
jameson.

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