People tell me everything. Everyone makes jokes about how hair dressers know all the gossip of the town. Ha. Gossip is boring compared to what I know. The best part of all I know? I don’t tell anyone. I might talk about random customer interactions, but if I see a store customer out getting coffee or doing their laundry, I will never, ever, point them out to my friend and say “She totally bought two different butt plugs because her husband is really into anal sex and together they’re working her way up to his dick.”

Never. I tell plenty of stories about work, but no customer ever gets a face or name. And I don’t tell stories to make my friends “ooh” and “ahh”. The newspaper provides enough unbelievable nonsense to keep us all entertained. Instead, I tell stories to my friends so that they know that I’ve pretty much heard it all. And if I haven’t heard it all, they know that I am comfortable hearing anything.

So, when a friend, or friend of a friend, needs advice or has a question, they know through my stories that I will not laugh at them or think their fantasies are crazy. By the time someone I know comes into the store and says “okay, jameson, help”, they’ve heard enough about what I do to know that I do it well.

My favorite customer so far? An old old woman (I guessed about ninety years, at least) who shuffled around the store for a very very long time. Every once in a while I’d see if she needed anything, only to be shoo’ed away. Finally, in front of the vibrator wall, she says “Do you have any books?” Yes, we do. What kind of books would you like? “Books.” Did you want instructional books? or story books? or pictures? “Pictures. I want books with pictures.” Okay. Did you want pictures and stories, or just pictures? “I want pictures of people doing the things. No stories.”

Now, I love our book selection at Good Vibrations. However, all the picture books are artsy and usually a bit expensive. I had a feeling they weren’t what she was looking for. So I asked: Do you have a DVD player? “Yes, I do.” Would you like maybe a DVD of people doing the things? So you can watch it on your TV? “Yes, I’d like that.”

On the short shuffle-walk to the DVD section, she told me about how her husband had died a few years ago, and she wanted sex so bad since then. She didn’t like vibrators; she liked pictures of people doin’ the things. At the DVD shelf I asked: Does this one look okay? It doesn’t have a story, just lots of scenes of people doing what you want to see. “Are there girls doing the things to other girls?” Yes, there are. Is that okay with you? “I want alot of that. I want to see girls doin’ things to girls. That’s in here?” (I almost exploded with happiness) Yes. There’s actually a few scenes of that in there. But there are guys, too. Is that okay? “Yes. That’s fine.”

And then she shuffled up to the counter and bought her new porn.
That day two years ago was one of my favorite days at work. Of course, in my head, I assume she has children and grandchildren, and she’s some sweet old lady who wants to watch girl-on-girl porn. But maybe not. Maybe she was a busy business woman who traveled the world with her husband and friends and only settled down ten years ago, and now she wants some porn. Who knows?

When GV started this blogging deal, I got excited and thought “Finally! I can tell people all I tell my friends!” And I want you to know what they know: That no matter what you say in the store, no matter what you confess or ask, we will not laugh at you, we will not ignore you, and we will not think your questions are stupid. This is what we do. People work in the stores and at the call center because we LOVE to help answer sex questions. We love helping you find what you need, in an atmosphere that feels safe and positive. Maybe we haven’t heard it all. But we’d sure like to.

Here’s to pictures of people doin’ the things,
.jameson.

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